I found my fire
by I vote for crowley
Summary: Sometimes physical pain is a good thing.  My name is Blaine Anderson.  I found my salvation.  I found my fire.   *warning: self-harm! Maybe suicidal thoughts*  rated t for self-harm and maybe language
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: hey.**

**i dont know you came to a point you are reading a self-harm f"f, i dont know if you even have a reason, but for me there is always a reason for reading angst, sometimes its because im sad, sometimes i wanna cry...**

**if you do have a reason, i hope everything will work out, if not, i hope you enjoy the story.**

**i dont care if its weird saying that- just so you know, if you do have a reason, you can PM me about it if you need to talk with someone you dont know.**

**on to the chapter...**

Sometimes physical pain is a good thing.

Sometimes it's better than the alternative.

Feeling hollow.

Feeling empty inside.

When you feel like someone took your soul away, when you are surrounded by friends and still feel alone, when you are laughing, but you still can't completely mean it, because you feel like you are watching someone else's life.

Sometimes physical pain is a good thing, because if you focus on this hard enough, you can pretend as if the other pain doesn't exist, as if, maybe, the hole inside your chest is finally closing.

But the pain always comes back.

It never goes away forever.

I still remember the first time clearly, even though it seems like ages ago.

_'I stare at my reflection in the mirror, I see a happy boy, not concerned by anything more than his math test next week, a small smile absently on his lips, like it's a completely normal things- and it is, but if i look closely, behind this mask, I can see that the eyes are dead, I sigh and let go of the smile, it's so normal to pull it on that I didn't even notice I'm wearing it, but I did and taking it off is always nice._

_I pull my razor, its time to shave again, when I put it on the counter, it falls and injures my arm._

_The first thing I feel is the pain, running through my veins like fire._

_Then comes the excitement._

_I can feel the fire coming upon, burning in my eyes once again, in a way I thought I'd never feel again._

_I raise the razor and hesitantly draw another line on my skin, my hands shaking just a bit._

_I see the blood and feel the salty taste in my mouth, but most of all, I feel the fire._

_I take the knife out of the razor, holding it gently, but with steady arms._

_I draw._

_I draw circles, lines, dots, until a beautiful complicated form is made, at first, I watch the blood with fascination, but when I hear a knock on the bathroom door, I immediately wash it, hide the knife and put some kind of __ointment__ on it so it will heal, I know it will leave a scar.'_

.Sometimes physical pain is a good thing

My name is Blaine Anderson.

I found my salvation.

I found my fire.

**A/N: im sorry it was short...**

** i hope you liked it, please tell me if you did or didnt what did you like and what didnt you and stuff like that.**

**i was very close to cutting once, but i can barely remember, it was a very dark time for me and it almost passed completely, so if something doesnt look real to you- tell me.**

**this was something i wanted to write for a while now but couldnt, so i hope it came out O.K.**


	2. Chapter 2

They don't notice, they never notice, at least, that's what I thought…

How wrong was I.

Wes and David, my two best friends, I should have seen this coming, they aren't that ignorant.

They noticed.

They don't know the full truth- no one knows that, but they knew enough, they could see how the fire is gone in my eyes ever since the thing we used to call 'the Gap attack'.

At some point I understood they know, they tried to question me about it sometimes, asking how I feel, why am I giving away all my solo's to Jeff and nick (who weren't complaining)…

I guess it was kinda easy to understand something wrong, but I wasn't worried, I didn't think they would do anything about it.

But they did- they did the worst thing they could ever do, those idiots.

They told my parents.

My idiotic friends told my parents!

And of course, the parade had begun.

My mother- who is a psychologist- started thinking I have clinical depression, my father- who hates me- stated its only because I think I'm gay, my mother shouted at him that maybe it's because I don't get enough attention and love at home… It went on like that.

Now I'm waiting for a psychiatrist, since my mother knows me, I'm not allowed to be one of her patients, so she sent me to the best, without my father knowing…

She told him I started a fight club.

Yeah, right…

"Blaine Anderson?" the woman's voice disrupts my day-dreams about my stupid friends, all I have to do is play a dumb teenager who only cares about his x-box and… what is this game called? Call of Cootie?

I don't think that is…

Let's see- the initials are also a fish- I remember that.

Salmon?

No, I don't think that is it…

Tuna?

Hmmm…. Never mind, I'll pretend to be obsessed with Assassin's Creed, I remember that game because Jeff loved it so much.

"hello Blaine" she said, I tried my best to look bored as I murmured something that could be taken as "hi" or as "whatever"- she can choose whatever.

"can you tell me a bit about yourself?" she asked, I looked around, trying to avoid her eyes it felt like she was looking in my room, her room was very round, and in very soft colors.

"I go to school at Dalton, I am a good student and I spend all my free time with my warbler friends or playing Assassin's Creed" I said, most of it was true, so I felt like it's a white lie- I don't need help.

"Your mother told me you were gay" she said, smiling softly, she truly thought that's the origin to my problems, she didn't know anything about me.

"Yeah, so?" I said, ignoring the fact that she hit a soft spot.

"So, tell me about those warblers" she quickly changed the topic.

"we are the choir in my school, we are kinda like rock stars, its great, I'm the lead singer, they are my friends" I say quickly, trying to finish the subject, I dont want to talk about the warblers, if I let anything about 'the Gap attack' slip...

"You are the lead singer, that's great" she smiled at me.

"Yeah, it's a lot of fun" I lied, it used to be a lot of fun, but nothing seems fun anymore…

She continued blubbering for an hour, when it was finally over, I went home and ran to the bathroom, mumbling something about shower to my mother, I couldn't wait, I locked the door and took the knife I was now always carrying my pocket.

The drawings went closer to my shoulder now, but I wasn't worried, I always had the other hand, the pain came immediately, and with it- the fire, I felt it burning, such a sweet burn.

I watched the blood drop with fascination- I used to think blood was disgusting, but now I know, blood is the source of our lives.

Sometimes I think I drew too strong, that the blood is going to continue dripping until there is none left in my body, and then I will be left on the floor, with no one knowing- but I'm not scared, I believe death is a relief of life's misery, I'm just not ready to die, not just yet

Suddenly, I start humming a tune, it was my favorite in the month after 'the Gap attack', but now it had a whole different meaning, I sang it to myself- knowing no one will hear.

They are all down stairs.

_Dear angel of mine,_

_Where do I start to express how I feel?_

I think about Jeremiah, he was so amazing.

_Well, my love's gone blind_

_Now all that I feel is what I hear_

_Your words rip and tear, and_

_Through my heart so weak and pure_

_Now I find myself wanting to die_

I know one day I'll find the courage to go all the way and finally ending this misery, but dor now, something is stopping me.

_I bleed for the second time tonight_

_Holding the love that's in my mind_

_If only my love could be with you_

_If only this pain, this pain died too_

_So I break you away, away, away from me_

_So I break you away, away, away from me_

I don't need Jeremiah, I have anymore, I'm fine without him, I don't need him, I don't need him.

Damn, if I'm not buying what I'm telling myself, who will?

_As I sit here alone_

_Thinking about everything that you said_

_You know since I'm alone_

_Well, maybe after all, I was better off dead_

_Cause without you my life's gone down_

_What do I do, when I find myself wanting to die?_

The blood still drips on the floor, it's fascinating, really, watching the drops of scarlet, feeling the burn, feeling the fire.

_I bleed for the second time tonight_

_Holding the love that's in my mind_

_If only my love could be with you_

_If only this pain, this pain died too_

When I draw, I feel complete, I see that I'm still human, even if I don't feel like one, when I see my blood, it shows me that maybe I'm worth living, after all, the blood still runs in my veins, its still as read as any other human is.

_I bleed for the second time tonight_

_Holding the love that's in my mind_

_If only my love could be with you_

_If only this pain, this pain died too_

_I break you away_

_This freak I became_

_My enemy_

_This freak I became_

_My enemy_

_From my angel to my enemy_

I used to think I was a good person, that everyone was worth leaving, I don't believe I am worth to this world anymore, if I die, who will care? Sure, id like to think my mother and friends would be sad for a while, but eventually no one will care, I'll be just another name on a gravestone.

_And I don't know_

_Yeah_

_I bleed for the second time tonight_

_Holding the love that's in my mind_

_If only my love could be with you_

_If only this pain, this pain died too_

_I bleed for the second time tonight_

_Holding the love that's in my mind_

_If only my love could be with you_

_If only this pain, this pain died too_

_I'll break you away_

_So break you away_

_So break you away, away, away from me_

_So break you away, away, away from me_

_And I don't know_

_Sincerely Yours_

I wrap up the song quickly, its exactly my feelings right now.

This song feels like it was written about me.

I clean my newly made drawings- I don't want them to get infected, my mother might notice.

I look in the mirror, I look more alive than I have been in month, it makes me feel good, even though I can always feel the hole throbbing in my chest, but it doesn't matter.

I feel complete, well more complete than I ever felt before.

Singing and drawing, my two passions.

It what keeps me alive.

'But not for long' said a little voice in my head, I ignore it as I leave the bathroom, never even remembering my shirt, that was left on the floor.

**(side note- no this is not turning into a song-fic, this is just a song that I think describes perfectly what Blaine thinks) **


	3. Chapter 3

I am sitting in my room now.

It's dark, and I'm supposed to be sleeping, but sleep escapes me, I cant seem to get it to come to me. I'm not sure if I want to.

It was so simple, so easy, and I screwed it up.

Of course I screwed it up, I always screw everything up.

Dozens of times of doing everything right; locking the door, taking my shirt off, drawing, putting my shirt on, pretending everything is normal, and one time forgetting to put my shirt on, and it's all over.

I still don't know what made me forget my shirt, but I still remember my mother's horrified scream when I came down to grab a snack before dinner. The shock in her eyes, the accusation.

Of course the first thing she did was to bring me back to the therapists office and demand that I see her right at this second.

People are scared of cutting, and more than that, people are scared from my mom, so of course the therapist was available to see me ten minutes later.

My mom told her, and then left the room…

_"Do you want to talk Blaine?" The therapist asked, I stayed quiet._

_"No? Then how about I talk? I'll tell you a story" She said slowly, I still didn't response._

_"When I was in elementary school, a long time ago, I had a kid named Joe in my math class, he used to be my friend, but in 5__th__ grade he just stopped talking to me and started sitting alone at lunch._

_Every day he'd run home from the school bus and everyone in the bus made fun of him for that, he knew, he still kept running._

_I'm not proud to say that I made fun of him too, but I did._

_One day he didn't show up to school. He didn't show up the week after it and when he finally did show up, he stopped running home. If I thought he was distant before, I was wrong, he didn't talk to anyone, didn't listen in classes, and he always had this blank look, like nothing affects him._

_Kids made fun of him, but it was like he couldn't hear them, which just made them make fun of him more._

_One day, around 7__th__ grade he stopped showing up to school._

_Years later I found out that he ran home every day to check that her sister didn't kill herself, and after being bullied so much, and being so lonely, without any friends, he decided to join her. I always felt guilty for that, if I only stayed with him…" She said._

_"What's the point of the story?" I asked abruptly._

_"People don't see what's going on with you when you shut them away Blaine, but if you keep shutting them away nothing is going to get better" She said softly, we didn't talk for the rest of the session._

I am sitting in my room.

I am trying to think but my thought cant seem to focus on one thing, the only thing I can focus on is the faded pain in my chest that hurts so bad yet doesn't hurt at all. I am aching for a knife but I'm holding myself, I don't know why.

I just want to figure everything out before I draw again.

Maybe she is right, maybe I should talk to someone, share the pain.

It's not going to be easy, but I don't know how much longer I can carry the pain alone, and when I think about the girl's brother in the story all I see in my head is Cooper, standing over me and crying, and feeling the same pain I'm feeling now and I just…

I cant see that happening.

I need something as strong as this. I need something to keep me from thinking about it, something to keep me alive that cant hurt the people I care about.

I'll find one.

But not today, I will, tomorrow… Maybe.

I sigh softly and slowly walk to the bathroom, taking out the razor, and with a sigh, I started drawing, letting the fire take over me, feeling the guilt coming with it.

"Tomorrow" I promised myself, and in my heart, I knew I'm lying.


End file.
